Trying To Keep It Light

     I’ve been trying to keep it light. My heart that is. Trying to ignore the things that weigh it down. Shifting things around in my head to make it appear like there is nothing there to be concerned about. Hiding all my fears and insecurities behind imagined pure white perfect walls of everything good and holy. Trouble is my sub conscience is all too aware of everything stashed in hiding. I honestly secretly dread birthday weeks. They bring the reality of my existence to the forefront of my brain, out from behind the pristine walls of my own making where my tangle of top side matter leans to the heavy end. I wish I was one of those people that woke up happy and for the most part remained that way for the rest of the day. I’m just not. I’m sure God had a reason for making me such a “feeler” but these are the weeks I wish I could flick a happy switch and just be…well…happy. I get massively introspective and looking inward with such intensity creates a downward momentum of dissatisfaction. The never ending pursuit of wanting to be ok with “self”.

     I’m in rare form tonight. It’s the whole birthday thing. I’m trying not to think too hard but my life feels very shallow at the moment. I’m trying to enjoy my new couch and dish hutches and not think of the debt incurred by their acquisition or about those in my life that have nothing. I’m trying to forget the newest story of heart break and tragedy from the ISIS terror taking over parts of the world. Here is the latest email:

     RUN Ministries president Eric Watt spoke candidly, but carefully. His voice wavered at times under the strain of emotion as he retold a story from a letter he'd received the day before. It was from a man whose village had been completely destroyed by ISIS.

"Both he and his wife were herded into a big outdoor corral to be sorted like cattle. The man however, refused to be separated from his wife. Terrorists then moved them to the side and seemingly passed them by. But the following day, the man wrote, a gang of 100 -- each carrying stones surrounded he and his wife. They were told if they could outrun the stones, ISIS would let them live. Otherwise, because they had broken Sharia law, they would die. The man and his wife desperately tried to outrun the flying stones, but because his wife was already weakened from sickness, she didn't make it."

Eric also explained that RUN volunteers, scouring the northern Iraq mountains, found the man and brought him to a "Community of Hope" refugee camp where he has been receiving water, food, shelter and protection.

Barely able to contain his emotion, Eric continued, "I can't imagine the pain that he must be feeling, yet he still found the strength to write -- thanking those who are helping to end the terror by providing a place of safety and peace."

You simply don’t forget something like this.

     I just want to cry. I want things to change and be better but they seem to bump along in their sameness. I want the deep places that hurt in this world to be whole. 

     As you can see, I haven’t been very successful keeping it light. Thank you, if you’ve read this far, for allowing me to prattle on about the things that make my heart hurt. Writing helps me get it out in a less “liquid” form.

The following Psalm is my prayer tonight.

     Let the morning will bring me word of your unfailing love for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way to go for to You I entrust my life (Psalm 143:8).