I am reading a
new book now called “The Heavenly Man”. The remarkable true story of Chinese Christian
Brother Yun. On the back is the quote “The world can do nothing to a Christian
who has no fear of man.” I am only two chapters in and I already feel like I am
a world away from the kind of life this man has lived. It is making me thankful
for the freedom I have. The freedom to assemble with other Christians without
fear of persecution. The freedom to own a copy of the Bible. Freedoms that I
rarely think about because I have always known them. It also is making me painfully
aware of my own spiritual apathy. Sometimes I question whether or not we can
create our own appetite for the presence of God or if it is only He who can
create it in us. I feel like I get tangled in the business of life and
everything else becomes more important than the pursuit of Him. I tell myself
almost daily that tomorrow I will do better but at the end of the next day I
fear little has changed. So I do what I can and listen to the word and read
these kind of books.
Last week I had the passing thought “sometimes
I wonder if I’m even saved.” Yesterdays Sunday service was very difficult for
me. It was what I have come to call a “Happy clappy” service. One where I felt
like I’m being pumped from the platform to perform in a certain way….to dance,
clap and spin around with everyone else because that is what we’re doing today.
My stubbornness and past hurts of being in similar services and immediately judged
and supposed to be someone who needs to “get free” makes me dig in my heels and
withdrawal within myself until the worship service is over. About then is when
someone decided that I needed to dance. He came over and grabbed my hands and
tried to spin me around. I got angry and asked him to please stop. He walked
away without apologizing and I know what he was thinking. “Lord, please help
that girl get free”. Then another lady decided to give it a go. I asked her
politely to please stop. She danced away again not saying anything but I’m
pretty sure she was also thinking…”Well God you are going to have to give that
tough nut your kind of breakthrough. My efforts failed. She needs deliverance. “
At that point I decided to brave walking up to the front of the service to
where my husband was standing next to our pastor and ask for the car keys. Wubs
was MC-ing the service and because of my current varied hurts and issues with
church life I didn’t want to join him up front. I was happy and content and
worshipful in the service until I was made to feel like I needed to perform in
order to look spiritual. Deeply frustrated I left. This time I wasn’t crying. I
just was asking God what He required of me and I knew immediately that He
understood me and who He created me to be. I forgave the people who were trying
to “help” me and cast the ache in my heart at His feet.
In the evening my
pastors wife asked me if I would side mic next Sunday. I told her no and
explained to her what I had gone through that morning. I was thankful to get it
off my chest. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable upfront leading anyone.
I desperately need God to heal me from the rejection and judgment of others. To
free me from the fear of man. I realized only two chapters into that book that this area is a major issue of mine. My pastor’s wife apologized for what happened
even though it wasn’t her or the church’s fault. Then she proceeded to really
encourage me. I swear if it wasn’t for them I would be so confused about my
spiritual life. I am thankful for the voice of truth and wisdom that so often
comes from them. Once I got what happened off my chest I felt like I was able
to receive the love of God again.
Today I listened
to this message and again, God was reading my mail. Word for word answering my
current fears. At one point in this message Danny Silk even talks about the
question believers sometimes have about whether or not they are really truly
saved. I needed to hear these words and he delivers truth in such a funny way
that all you can feel is happy when you are done listening. The premise of the
message is how we turn the fear of the Lord into this:
All we continually
hear is an accusing voice looking at everything we did wrong. He brought out
the fallacy of that way of thinking. It gave me so much healing to my mind and
heart today. I hope it can bless you too.
Phew I know that
was heavy but I swim in deep waters sometimes as I know you probably do too.
In lighter news:
I put this gift bag together for a friend at church who was
eyeballing my cool new glass tea carafe last weekend. I decided to get her one
and gave her some tea too.
Brewster was helping me with the ribbons…note how close his
mouth is to the bow…he’s inching his way in for chomp-zes.
Playing with ribbons is tough work.
I’ll climb in your craft bag and take a rest.
Ooh is that a feather duster? So feathery and snuggly...
And more news yet…I made baked potatoes for dinner tonight.
Wubs is a little OCD with salt application…and practically everything else.
Yummm….
