Performance

    So, it’s Sunday and I should be at church right now but as we were headed out the door I got that I’m exhausted and just want to stay home glance from the Wubs. “Honey, you don’t have to go. You’re not gonna be sent to hell for missing a Sunday.”

“I know but I still struggle a lot with performance.”

“Me too. Let’s rebel and stay home and not perform.”

“Ok.”

     So here I sit, blogging.  There was supposed to be a leadership meeting this afternoon too and I found myself relieved when I read an email this morning that it had been cancelled. I was really gonna feel guilty later for skipping that, which I planned to. It just is not in me to sit through meetings today. I’ve been asking God to change my attitude and heart. I’m not sure what bothers me so about these meetings but I’m sure it probably has to do more with me and my issues than anyone else’s. It’s amazing to me how more and more, I can be in a group of loving wonderful people and feel totally alone. Why is that and why can’t I get past it?

     “God wants to pour out revival but He is gonna do it through us. We have to be His hands and feet. Will you go? Will you spread the gospel?”

     “I really want to be that person God but I struggle even saying hello to the other people in this room. The friendly like-minded ones who’ve I known for at least ten years. How am I supposed to influence any one when I can’t even feel comfortable here? When I feel like everything I do or don’t do here is judged and weighed and measured as to my effectiveness or non-effectiveness for your kingdom.”

     If you can’t tell it’s been a funky season of late in my spiritual walk. On one hand God has been using me during our Sunday morning worship services but I can’t help but recall the verse describing that gifts are given without repentance. I don’t need to have a stellar relationship with the Lord for him to pour out His Spirit through me. On the other hand I have been struggling with a deep sense of a lack of fulfillment and purpose.

    I have been listening to Michael Ramsdon on YouTube all week. He is causing me to think a lot more and I need that right now. I need to have answers and understand why what has worked in the past is not satisfying or “working” for me now. Listening to him is causing a lot of growing pains in me. I realize that God has asked us to always have an answer for anyone who asks us to give a reason for the hope that we have. And even as I write that I’m thinking to myself, “Do I really live with hope?” Much of what Michael Ramsdon talks about makes me realize how few answers I have. “Because God is good” is just not going to cut it for someone really wresting and struggling with the biggest questions in life. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Is God really gonna throw people into hell and why would a loving God create such a broken world anyway?

     Deep sigh…listen to anything from RZIM ministries. They are truth speakers and are pushing me along in my growth of late. It has not been easy to hear but it is encouraging me. I need the answers to the questions they wrestle with and the fact that they tackle life’s biggest questions in some of the most hostile environments on the planet encourages me as well. It can be done. There is a way to communicate with gentleness and respect. Much of the church goes about things very wrongly and in my passion I know I have been guilty of that to. If the message is lost in its delivery, we might as well keep our mouth shut.

     I took a break from blogging to run my Mother’s day present to the UPS store. Can you say “better late than never?” Sorry Mom. It is coming and should be there around the 11^th. The kitties helped me pack it this morning. They were very interested in my giant bag of packing peanuts:

It provided at least an hour of entertainment for them.

This is my favorite bit of packing peanut play:

It’s only 2 seconds but captured the thrill a peanut can give to a fur brain doesn’t it?

LOL.

     I haven’t blogged this week because our internet has been down. It was one of the side effects of having boarders and mixing internet and cable with them. I refuse to pay for cable but our roomies wanted it. It created a big mess with our account separating out one person’s responsibilities from another’s. We have it fixed now (I think…I hope) after many hours of phone calls to our provider.  We are up and running again.

     The last of our boarders moved out last weekend and we officially have our home to ourselves again. Roomy left a beautiful bunch of flowers for us and a sweet thank you note.

Awe…so sweet. I love flowers!!!

     I took these pics of Wubby’s work shirts this week:

     It's one of the side effects of being married to a welder. I call him my holy man. His arms are pretty much burned from top to bottom. He finally bought a good set of leathers to protect himself last week but man o man…he acquired a few wounds before their acquisition…ouch.

     I took this pic of the back of his new work van and told him if that doesn’t sum him up in one statement I don’t know what does:

“In fact they probably got more excellence than they bargained for with you.”

     Case in point... When they gave him the van he spent the next for hours cleaning the interior. Rag after dirty rag went into the trash and Wubby swore the previous possessors of said work van were, and I quote, “animals.” Now the inside is shiny and…well…EXCELLENT!! It’s just how he is.

     Wubby was sweet this morning and made me tea and toast. We love the apple strudel bread Costco sells. Or they used to sell it. We couldn’t find it yesterday so we settled for Franz cinnamon swirl bread. As he was walking out I told him to add some butter and cinnamon sugar on top.

“It already has cinnamon and sugar!!”

“You’re probably right. Never mind.”

Then he brought it out, handed it to me and said, “I added a light layer of cinnamon sugar.”

Brewster took a break from peanut play and investigated the toast.

He decided it wasn’t for him.

     We have been after each other of late over the amount of sugar we consume. It seems cancer thrives off of the stuff and in all seriousness Wubs turned to me the other day and said, “I don’t want to lose you.” Hence the presenting of a lightly sugar dusted piece of toast today as opposed to the dousing I would have liked to give it. He cares he does.

     After breakfast we pulled out of the driveway to go deliver our very late Mother’s Day gift and saw a little couple on our front steps:

     I once counted fourteen doves in my back-yard. I love them. Apparently they love us around this time of year too…We’ll keep em’.

     After delivering the package we toured Home Depot. I dreamed a little dream about paint colors for the house. I really really really want a teal front door. These are the colors I pulled:

     When I got home I realized the top color I pulled was the exact same color as the neighbor’s house. So I thought maybe I should go with a grey though I like the tan better. After I thought that I flipped the color card over and realized that grey was the color they suggested to go with the bright teal:

     It’s hard to tell the difference in color on the computer but they are a lot different. We shall see. Our goal is to get the house painted this summer. It needs it. Wubs has already painted most of the white trim within reach…slow progress but one day I’m gonna have my teal front door and my two white Adirondack chairs.

     And now for a very important announcement…

This is my strawberry:

I named him Hercules. He was three times the size of the other children.