Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Pesky Ponderings



     Have you ever experienced something that feels like it’s going to mess with your deal for the rest of your life? Like a big old monkey lobbing a wrench into the center of your happy dance. Something that impacts you so much you can’t yell at it, “Hey, you threw off my groove” and chuck it out the window like your favorite movies narcissistic emperor. Grandpa be growin’ some wings ‘n flyin’ right back into your dance moves.

     That’s how I felt after reading this book.
     How could one man endure so much and not shrink back from sharing the gospel in the face of over-whelming adversity. It made me long to stop life as normal and run after that kind of devotion to the one I claim to love while at the same time making me want to run from it. I have felt so conflicted over so many things. This is the way walk in it…or is it that was the way? I sometimes get over-whelmed and confused and then find myself longing for my center. The only thing that makes my life constant. Jesus. That name. That knot at the end of the rope I consistently find myself hanging from.
     Yet another friend announced that they were pregnant today. I know we have waited a long time but now I’m starting to get scared we waited too long. That something isn’t right with me or he and we might not…the questions swirl in the cavern of my mind. The hope, the sadness, the happiness, the longing. All bouncing off cave-y walls of pondering and echoing back to me my heart cries. What if we aren’t good parents?  What if it has birth defects because I am an older mom?....What if ? What if?…What if it’s like a dream and we have a perfect baby that patches up God created holes in our hearts? Yes. I must dwell on that thought and drown out the others.
     I just told Wubs about our prego friends and he said, “sometimes I wonder if we should have just done that? Just jump in.” I guess we are both questioning. We’re both looking back and wondering if we made the right choices. I really shouldn’t be thinking about it. Nothing can be undone that has been done. We can only go on from here. So we are.
     Wubs and I met with our mortgage financer Monday. We both want our kids to grow up in the country. I was just trying to express to Wubs why I have so much apprehension about moving. I felt like I was just getting settled in here and feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me but I understand that he is his own person. This postage stamp plot of land we live on now was not created for the wee lil' Wubs romping around the back forty of his man brain in naught but his underwear. If I’m honest with myself I want that for my kids too. To have more than a 4X4 front lawn. I really do long for green hills and evergreens and the possibility of little goats running around my yard. I wish we could have figured this out four years ago and bought the right house then but that would be looking backward again.
 

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